It’s approaching 1 A.M., I’ve only eaten a pack of ramen and some stale chips in the last 18 hours. I woke up at 4PM after I was slamming on an alarm from about 1PM to then. I finally felt awake enough.
Right now, I’m thinking about someone who wronged me really bad, someone who thought they were doing “good” by doing so, and I’m anticipating what it might be like at my new job that I’m starting at soon. I’ve not worked on music or anything religious like I’ve wanted to for some weeks now. Right now, I’m listening to a bass heavy, snappy psychedelic track sitting in bed with my laptop, like I’ve done for the last few days, which I’ve mostly spent lulzing on the internet a little bit and trying to build a D&D campaign with a friend who swaps being GM with me. I’ve barely talked to most people I do for a few weeks now even.
Magic and Expectations
My life is a mess. I’m a mess, but it doesn’t bother me anymore. I had a realization a few months ago and it lifted a huge weight off of me: I don’t need to do anything.
All I’ve cared about lately is just enjoying being myself as I’ve now been on estrogen a while, and anticipating working at this new job which I’m really excited for because it pays really well. Sure I want to be less of a mess, but I’m taking it one thing at a time. I don’t feel this constant crushing pressure to “have” to do something because I decided I only would do what I want to.
I seem to notice curiously that the moment I decide I “have” to do something, I don’t want to do it, I can’t do it, I have this impending sense of dread and doom that if I don’t do it or do it wrong, I’ve fucked up somehow. So I don’t bother, the anxiety of even thinking about it is paralyzing. And so I don’t do it for hours, then days, then weeks and even months. In the case of music, some things years.
If I ever say I’m going to do something, I might very well intent to, I probably do. But then I often don’t do it because then I “have” to do it. I notice if I keep my mouth shut about something I want to do, I’m much more likely to do it.
I’ve read before, fuck if I know where, probably about writing when I still tried to do that, that whenever we talk about doing something awesome and people give us attention and praise we end up doing it because our brain confuses talking about doing something with actually doing it. Some psychology mumbo-jumbo and now that I think about it that really makes sense.
See, magic, well if you don’t know what the fuck are you doing here? See magic, relies on the symbol of doing something. It takes words and ritualistic / metaphorical actions and turns them into changes in thought patterns. We can trace this back pretty far into occultism but basically doing a ritual or spell tricks our brains into thinking we really did that thing.
Perhaps that’s why so many dumbfucks think that all you gotta do to be a Satanist is act tough, strong, pretend to be super competent in everything and just blab all day about vague abstractions of Satanic philosophy. I might not be the first to recognize this shanagin but Hell does it bother me. People need more doing and less talking, or at least talking about what the fuck it is they actually do.
Do it cause’ you want to, not have to
I mean, really? Who gives a fuck? Satanism is about living YOUR life as you want. Satanism is about BEING A SATAN-DAMNED HUMAN. And you know what? Humans are flawed, terribly beautiful and disgusting beings. It’s okay to have problems and flaws.
Okay, let me clarify. I’m more meaning, in terms of the Left Hand Path… you know, all this forbidden shit? Death? Decay? Anger? It’s all human. In my case as a lazy adherent to a very specific Shaivite sect take it to the extreme nondual, beyond monism. It’s accepting the totality of yourself in all it’s glory and non-glory, good and evil. Like Satanism, you are fully accepting a united dark/light being that is beyond good and evil.
You just are, full stop. Like Shiva, like Satan. Like the whole satan-damned universe. No ought, just is, and any desire you might wish to pursue. And it’s awesome. It becomes even more awesome if you decide to work on those flaws and problems though, if you want to that is.
And this brings us back to the fact that you don’t have to do shit.
Satanism, again, about being human, tries to encourage us to do what we want. We are driven by what we want and really it’s about what you want. Some people try to argue that you can’t change what you want but I think that’s bullshit. Remember when I talked about magic earlier? It’s pretty easy to trick your brain in all kinds of crazy ways and the very watered down example of a way to do magic is just the tip of the iceberg in the brain hacking magic can do.
So maybe you don’t want to do anything… great. Go ahead and do nothing but that better really be what you want. If you aren’t doing what you want because you feel paralyzed you need to stop convincing yourself you “have” to do it… that’s pretty much my original, long-winded thought. Does that all make sense?
Because if it didn’t… ya I can’t help you because now I feel I “have” to flesh out, edit, and all that shit this post. But fuck that, I want a stream of consciousness post for once. I’m always feeling I “have” to sound oh so professional on here but you know what people are either gonna like what I gotta say or not. I’m fuckin’ done with feeling so suppressed on my own damn website haha.
Sometimes you gotta embrace the impulsive, and just DO something because you wanted to. We’re all human, after all. I just hope that something is something that helps people, even if it’s just yourself.